There are moments in our lives we can consider pivotal. They define the years to come. They change the course we take. They change our behaviors, actions, and attitude toward the world. And often, at least in my experience, we don't tend to recognize these moments in the present, until we look at it in the past.
I had one such moment at 12 years old. A simple statement, after which, everything changed.
Two sentences from someone close to me.
"You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You are the crap of the world just like everyone else."
It is, of course, our choice as individuals who and what we choose to believe. So many things are thrown at us every day, from people we know, from media, from every direction, and it's our responsibility to filter it out. I could have filtered this statement. Seen it for what it was; a tired person being grouchy. We all say things we don't mean when life has worn us out.
But I didn't. I committed every detail of this moment to memory, and placed the words upon a pillar of truth, and they have guided me for the last decade.
I am not beautiful.
I am not unique.
I am not special.
And with the acceptance of this, I began to doubt the motives of every person I met who wanted to be my friend. At 12 years old, I threw trust out the window. Because I was not special, so what did these people really want from me? Surely it wasn't to be friends with someone who was just the crap of the world. So I spent the next 10 years questioning every friendship and relationship. Feeling like a burden to everyone in my life. Constantly attempting, and oftentimes succeeding, in pushing people away with both hands. Because who wants to be a burden?
Each accomplishment I achieved, each goal I reached, each venture successful, was overshadowed by these two sentences... making advancement seem meaningless and trivial. I tried to be gracious in my acceptance of praise, but it fueled the distrust in my heart, feeling I was being lied to, because surely I did not deserve kind words or congratulations. And the idea that I would ever be enough was a fantasy.
While this view of myself and the world I lived in did no favors for my social life or self-esteem, it did cause me to establish a good work ethic, some part of me hoping to redeem my uselessness through hard work.
And for a time, especially after my mom got sick and I wanted every distraction from the helplessness that came with standing by while she suffered, I accepted every job I was offered, seized every opportunity. Not out of necessity, but out of some sort of desperation to prove I could be useful. That I wasn't just a burden. That there was a reason to keep me around.
I tried to be available for anyone who needed me. To come when beckoned. To always cover shifts when asked. To work doubles. To be the perfect friend. To be a helpful daughter. A good sister.
But as everyone knows...if you light a candle at both ends, it extinguishes much faster.
I was constantly tired, but I could never sleep. Fatigue and malnourishment riddled my body, but I could never eat. Anxiety and depression began to eat at my mind and heart. My desire to be useful to everyone who asked, to give 100% to everything I did, backfired, and I was useless to everyone. Exactly what I feared in the first place. Exactly what I learned when I was 12. I was the crap of the world, and no amount of working or giving myself to people would change that.
Through 10 years of belief, I created what I feared.
A self-fulfilling prophecy.
A vicious, downward spiral.
Now the world has made me tired. I have made myself tired. And I can finally understand that moment, burned so clearly into my mind for so long, for what it is. It was an adult, worn out by the world, spilling two sentences in annoyance, that are sure to be forgotten. But weren't.
And won't be. I will still remember these words, but I will not repeat them as a punishment, over and over, as I have in the past, beating myself emotionally. Now they will simply be true. Because they are. I am not a beautiful or unique snowflake. There are billions of people in the world. I'm a drop in the ocean, and that's okay.
For so long, I have been a hypocrite. Spouting ideas about loving yourself and how important it is. About how people are perfect and beautiful. How your flaws make you unique and you should embrace them. About accepting yourself. But did I? Did I follow a single piece of advice I have given other people? Hell no. For years I have said, "If you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you?" I guess I just didn't realize how much love was lacking from me for me, and how much this was affecting my actions.
I have four words of script tattooed on my leg... "no fear in love." When I got this tattoo, I thought of it as love within a relationship. Romantic, friendship, family, whatever. The love between people should be pure and void of fear. But that's not it, is it? I've never had much problem loving someone else (sure, we all get a little scared sometimes). It's me.
The only person I am scared to love and accept, is myself.
But I think, though it is still early to be deciding such things, that I have reached another pivotal moment in my life, marked by the shaving of my head. By starting over. Beginning to fix my view of myself, and my contorted idea of what the world sees or wants from me. Stripping myself of the thing I used to hide behind, pretending it made me, me, forced me to actually figure out this accepting myself thing.
I certainly went through a phase of feeling pretty self-conscious and unattractive right when I did it. I didn't know how to approach the world anymore or where I fit into it once I stripped away the thing that made me just another pretty girl. People certainly treated me differently than before.
I felt for a moment I had taken myself off the map. Turned invisible. Thrown away opportunities.
But this is silly. What I did was give myself a very definite choice.
Stay small and scared and feeling ugly.
or
Get over this pain I'd clung to for so long. Just another excuse for shitty behavior.
Accept who I am, better or worse, and move on. Who gives a shit how other people see you, right?
And isn't this something we all strive for? I know I have for a long time. To live as though you don't care what other people think. But on some level, we all do, and it's incredibly hard to break this.
But I think I have gotten just one step closer to this freedom of being unconcerned.
By removing the option to be the perfect girl, I have opened the door to just being me. No more spending an hour fixing my hair in the morning in order to feel presentable. Seems silly. But what I didn't expect is with that also comes, no more holding my tongue for the sake of being accepted. No more wondering why people are talking to me. For the first time since childhood, I'm not questioning WHY someone wants to be my friend. I am just smiling and welcoming them into my life. And this is maybe the biggest step I've taken towards loving myself in...years...a decade. I've spent my life looking for ulterior motives in my friendships. Wondering why people stick around. But with this trip, this starting over, I think I am finally leaving this self-destructive habit behind. I am learning to love myself and accept that maybe other people just like my company and they don't need more reason than that. It's a hard thing for me to accept. I want to cry just typing it. What a concept. To be liked for myself and no other reason. Wow.
There is still lots of work to be done...a decade of habits to break...but I am sticking by my ideal. No fear in Love. And I am getting there slowly. Finally.
Now for those of you who have been following me since the beginning of my blog, you're probably thinking, "When you shaved your head?? That was a year ago. Why post this now?" The truth is, after writing this, I debated whether I should post it. Sat on it for quite a while, obviously, turning it over in my mind, because I didn't want anyone to feel attacked or hurt. But clearly I decided to go for it, and the reason is simple...
We are the results of accumulated moments in each of our lives.
Big and small.
Simple and complex.
Some of them suck, and some of them rock, and I spent a long time trying to pretend the shitty ones would go away if I ignored them. But they don't. I'm sure you're aware. So I am taking the opposite approach now, and it seems to be working. Brutal honesty. With myself. With others. No more masks, and no more lying to keep other people comfortable, whether a passive observer, or actively involved. So I'm starting here. I mean shit, it's my blog, right? Where else can I air my "dirty laundry"? (haha)
Maybe my words will upset people in my life, but that's okay too. It's inevitable to upset people when you want to be your own person. And the truth, so simply put by Bernard Baruch, is that you should always "be who you are and say what you want, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
And on that note, I would like to give you all the love, regardless of the category you fall into.
Thank you, everyone. You all give me confidence to live a life true to myself.
What a lovely gift.
I had one such moment at 12 years old. A simple statement, after which, everything changed.
Two sentences from someone close to me.
"You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You are the crap of the world just like everyone else."
It is, of course, our choice as individuals who and what we choose to believe. So many things are thrown at us every day, from people we know, from media, from every direction, and it's our responsibility to filter it out. I could have filtered this statement. Seen it for what it was; a tired person being grouchy. We all say things we don't mean when life has worn us out.
But I didn't. I committed every detail of this moment to memory, and placed the words upon a pillar of truth, and they have guided me for the last decade.
I am not beautiful.
I am not unique.
I am not special.
And with the acceptance of this, I began to doubt the motives of every person I met who wanted to be my friend. At 12 years old, I threw trust out the window. Because I was not special, so what did these people really want from me? Surely it wasn't to be friends with someone who was just the crap of the world. So I spent the next 10 years questioning every friendship and relationship. Feeling like a burden to everyone in my life. Constantly attempting, and oftentimes succeeding, in pushing people away with both hands. Because who wants to be a burden?
Each accomplishment I achieved, each goal I reached, each venture successful, was overshadowed by these two sentences... making advancement seem meaningless and trivial. I tried to be gracious in my acceptance of praise, but it fueled the distrust in my heart, feeling I was being lied to, because surely I did not deserve kind words or congratulations. And the idea that I would ever be enough was a fantasy.
While this view of myself and the world I lived in did no favors for my social life or self-esteem, it did cause me to establish a good work ethic, some part of me hoping to redeem my uselessness through hard work.
And for a time, especially after my mom got sick and I wanted every distraction from the helplessness that came with standing by while she suffered, I accepted every job I was offered, seized every opportunity. Not out of necessity, but out of some sort of desperation to prove I could be useful. That I wasn't just a burden. That there was a reason to keep me around.
I tried to be available for anyone who needed me. To come when beckoned. To always cover shifts when asked. To work doubles. To be the perfect friend. To be a helpful daughter. A good sister.
But as everyone knows...if you light a candle at both ends, it extinguishes much faster.
I was constantly tired, but I could never sleep. Fatigue and malnourishment riddled my body, but I could never eat. Anxiety and depression began to eat at my mind and heart. My desire to be useful to everyone who asked, to give 100% to everything I did, backfired, and I was useless to everyone. Exactly what I feared in the first place. Exactly what I learned when I was 12. I was the crap of the world, and no amount of working or giving myself to people would change that.
Through 10 years of belief, I created what I feared.
A self-fulfilling prophecy.
A vicious, downward spiral.
Now the world has made me tired. I have made myself tired. And I can finally understand that moment, burned so clearly into my mind for so long, for what it is. It was an adult, worn out by the world, spilling two sentences in annoyance, that are sure to be forgotten. But weren't.
And won't be. I will still remember these words, but I will not repeat them as a punishment, over and over, as I have in the past, beating myself emotionally. Now they will simply be true. Because they are. I am not a beautiful or unique snowflake. There are billions of people in the world. I'm a drop in the ocean, and that's okay.
For so long, I have been a hypocrite. Spouting ideas about loving yourself and how important it is. About how people are perfect and beautiful. How your flaws make you unique and you should embrace them. About accepting yourself. But did I? Did I follow a single piece of advice I have given other people? Hell no. For years I have said, "If you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you?" I guess I just didn't realize how much love was lacking from me for me, and how much this was affecting my actions.
I have four words of script tattooed on my leg... "no fear in love." When I got this tattoo, I thought of it as love within a relationship. Romantic, friendship, family, whatever. The love between people should be pure and void of fear. But that's not it, is it? I've never had much problem loving someone else (sure, we all get a little scared sometimes). It's me.
The only person I am scared to love and accept, is myself.
But I think, though it is still early to be deciding such things, that I have reached another pivotal moment in my life, marked by the shaving of my head. By starting over. Beginning to fix my view of myself, and my contorted idea of what the world sees or wants from me. Stripping myself of the thing I used to hide behind, pretending it made me, me, forced me to actually figure out this accepting myself thing.
I certainly went through a phase of feeling pretty self-conscious and unattractive right when I did it. I didn't know how to approach the world anymore or where I fit into it once I stripped away the thing that made me just another pretty girl. People certainly treated me differently than before.
I felt for a moment I had taken myself off the map. Turned invisible. Thrown away opportunities.
But this is silly. What I did was give myself a very definite choice.
Stay small and scared and feeling ugly.
or
Get over this pain I'd clung to for so long. Just another excuse for shitty behavior.
Accept who I am, better or worse, and move on. Who gives a shit how other people see you, right?
And isn't this something we all strive for? I know I have for a long time. To live as though you don't care what other people think. But on some level, we all do, and it's incredibly hard to break this.
But I think I have gotten just one step closer to this freedom of being unconcerned.
By removing the option to be the perfect girl, I have opened the door to just being me. No more spending an hour fixing my hair in the morning in order to feel presentable. Seems silly. But what I didn't expect is with that also comes, no more holding my tongue for the sake of being accepted. No more wondering why people are talking to me. For the first time since childhood, I'm not questioning WHY someone wants to be my friend. I am just smiling and welcoming them into my life. And this is maybe the biggest step I've taken towards loving myself in...years...a decade. I've spent my life looking for ulterior motives in my friendships. Wondering why people stick around. But with this trip, this starting over, I think I am finally leaving this self-destructive habit behind. I am learning to love myself and accept that maybe other people just like my company and they don't need more reason than that. It's a hard thing for me to accept. I want to cry just typing it. What a concept. To be liked for myself and no other reason. Wow.
There is still lots of work to be done...a decade of habits to break...but I am sticking by my ideal. No fear in Love. And I am getting there slowly. Finally.
Now for those of you who have been following me since the beginning of my blog, you're probably thinking, "When you shaved your head?? That was a year ago. Why post this now?" The truth is, after writing this, I debated whether I should post it. Sat on it for quite a while, obviously, turning it over in my mind, because I didn't want anyone to feel attacked or hurt. But clearly I decided to go for it, and the reason is simple...
We are the results of accumulated moments in each of our lives.
Big and small.
Simple and complex.
Some of them suck, and some of them rock, and I spent a long time trying to pretend the shitty ones would go away if I ignored them. But they don't. I'm sure you're aware. So I am taking the opposite approach now, and it seems to be working. Brutal honesty. With myself. With others. No more masks, and no more lying to keep other people comfortable, whether a passive observer, or actively involved. So I'm starting here. I mean shit, it's my blog, right? Where else can I air my "dirty laundry"? (haha)
Maybe my words will upset people in my life, but that's okay too. It's inevitable to upset people when you want to be your own person. And the truth, so simply put by Bernard Baruch, is that you should always "be who you are and say what you want, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
And on that note, I would like to give you all the love, regardless of the category you fall into.
Thank you, everyone. You all give me confidence to live a life true to myself.
What a lovely gift.
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