As I gaze out the small, oval window at the puffy sheet of cloud below me, one hour into a 10 hour flight home...I try to think of what I can write to wrap up this experience into one neat, final blog for you all. But what is there to say? What could I possibly write in this moment to summarize my experience for you?
Let's start with, this trip has taught me...
Well...that's it, isn't it?
This trip has taught me.
Period.
It's overwhelming to think of the things I have learned.
I left Austin as a fragile mess.
I was stuck in a mindset of urgent necessity, which I had talked myself into years ago, due to the circumstance of my original return to Austin, but which no longer served a purpose in my life. I was overworked, emotional, depressed, exhausted, heartbroken, and lost. Floating in an abyss of my own creation. Trapped with the monsters of my mind.
I thought that if I (ever) turned down work, in order to rest, I would find myself out of money and homeless.
I thought that if I said no to the people in my life, I was being a horrible, selfish monster, even if their requests caused harm to myself.
I thought I was useless, with nothing to offer the world. A belief I've clutched to since middle school, which as I got older, led me to believe that the only thing I was good for was physical pleasure. Which in turn, led to me allowing men to abuse me for years, because I didn't think I deserved anything better.
I thought I was weak for wanting rest.
I thought I didn't deserve kindness.
I thought I owed the world anything it asked of me, because I was useless, and I needed to pay for the space I take.
I thought if I opened up to anyone about the way I was feeling, or how I saw myself, they would run, or judge, or pity me, or who knows. I only know I didn't feel I could be honest with anyone about the level of self-hate I was feeling, or how much I couldn't stand myself.
I thought I was broken.
And the thing is...I was broken. These thoughts broke me. But even at the same time as they were swirling through my head, dragging me down, I was stubbornly telling them to shut the hell up, because I was strong. I had been through a lot already, and I could handle whatever was coming.
It's a strange place, emotionally, to hate yourself, and be your own cheerleader at the same time.
But eventually, it seemed the dark side was winning. And I couldn't let that happen.
I packed my bag in March, and took to new horizons, partially because I absolutely love to travel. It fills me with joy and hope and peace.
But the other part was to prove to myself that I could. Because pain, despair, and anger were quickly becoming permanent parts of my narrative, and I couldn't allow that to happen.
Sometimes the best way to figure out who you are, is to get away from anyone who knows you...go where there are no expectations, and see which behaviors surface and thrive. Discover who you are when there is nothing at stake. When there is no one to impress. When there is nothing to gain. Who are you in those moments?
I asked myself this question for seven months, always with new strangers. Who am I when I could be anybody?
I flirted with the idea of lying...of constructing a character to sell to people, of who I am and where I've been. Making things easier or more interesting. But what I realized quickly, is I don't want to be anyone else. What I want is to stop pretending I am.
I quickly adapted a new rule for myself...complete, open honesty...with everyone. Each question someone asked, I would give them a complete, honest answer, even if this may lead to discomfort for one or both of us. No more walls or hiding or editing the truth to make people comfortable...to make things easier...to hide emotionally from those around me. Because the truth is, there is some dark shit in my past. But those moments make me, me. Those moments have built my character. And if I hope to have a positive, solid, and uplifting relationship with myself, that starts with accepting what I've been through and who I am.
So I left Austin 7 months ago, fragile, broken, and bleeding, but with the determination to deconstruct my pain, and put myself back together.
And now I've returned. At least for a visit.
It's amazing what you can do in a few months, if you're ready, focused, and willing.
There's a line in a Mumford and Sons song I used to relate to strongly. I felt it represented my lost wanderings...searching for the place within myself where I might finally be at peace. The line is,
"You said I would find a home within the fragile substance of my soul."
But the things is, I'm not fragile anymore.
I've finally proven myself to the only one that matters.
Myself.
And the truth is, I'm fire and spit and vinegar.
I'm dirt and thorns and burns, up and down my body.
And I love my scars,
Because they tell a story of a girl
Unafraid to get hurt for the things she loves and the people she believes in.
And if the fire in my belly scares you,
That's unfortunate
But I won't damp it down
Because I'm feeding it
Feeding it
Everyday
Because I want to be consumed
By passion
By love
By kindness
And I leaned there is no happiness without suffering
So I will continue to smile wide
And open my arms to pain
Because it's only temporary
Because I did find a home in my soul
But there is nothing fragile about it.
So either come in
Or get out of my doorway
Because I've got places to be
And faces to kiss
And people to love
And not a second to waste on "what if's"
Or "could have beens".
I've got a life to live.
So there's a little bit of reflection for you... it may feel a bit disjointed, and it's not exactly the typical layout of these blogs...but it's not everyday you try to explain 7 months of learning in a few relatively cohesive paragraphs. The task is a daunting one, if I'm honest. And I don't pretend to have come anywhere near hitting the mark.
I think what I have experienced and been through and learned in my travels, is an impossible thing to describe in one blog, or several blogs, or even one blog a week, though I did try to bring you guys along on the journey to the best of my ability. I think to understand...you just have to go experience.
And I hope you all get the chance to, if you so desire!
So, moving forward...I've got a few ideas swirling around in my head for the direction I'd like my life to take at this point. Perhaps I'll end up renovating houses in Puerto Rico. Perhaps I'll get an RV and travel the US while I finish my book and work on more creative projects. Perhaps I'll end up in Mexico in an immersive language program.
Nobody knows!
And that, in and of itself, is pretty exciting.
The page is blank.
The possibilities are boundless.
The lines have been erased. Now I can color wherever I want.
For a few months, however, I'll stick around Texas and save money for my next move.
To everyone who has followed along with me this far, and for all the messages, comments, and encouragement, THANK YOU!
It's really an amazing feeling to realize that your words and actions, even when not directly connected to certain people, do have an affect. I am so grateful to all my readers.
And to everyone I met on my journey who helped open my eyes, knowingly or not, to beauty I was blind to, and who accepted me so quickly into your lives, thank you a million times. I have never been so blindly trusted and welcomed into so many families, friendships, homes, or cultures as I have on this trip.
While I'm recouping and reassessing my plans, things will probably be pretty calm on my end, so I plan to discontinue my weekly post at this point. I'll still share from time to time, and my (mis)adventures are far from over, but I think there's no point in forcing the blog. I'd like to focus my writing endeavors elsewhere for now.
So for now, stay bright eyed and hopeful.
Be the beauty in the world.
Be the good you want in other people.
Thank you, again!
Until next time! <3
Let's start with, this trip has taught me...
Well...that's it, isn't it?
This trip has taught me.
Period.
It's overwhelming to think of the things I have learned.
I left Austin as a fragile mess.
I was stuck in a mindset of urgent necessity, which I had talked myself into years ago, due to the circumstance of my original return to Austin, but which no longer served a purpose in my life. I was overworked, emotional, depressed, exhausted, heartbroken, and lost. Floating in an abyss of my own creation. Trapped with the monsters of my mind.
I thought that if I (ever) turned down work, in order to rest, I would find myself out of money and homeless.
I thought that if I said no to the people in my life, I was being a horrible, selfish monster, even if their requests caused harm to myself.
I thought I was useless, with nothing to offer the world. A belief I've clutched to since middle school, which as I got older, led me to believe that the only thing I was good for was physical pleasure. Which in turn, led to me allowing men to abuse me for years, because I didn't think I deserved anything better.
I thought I was weak for wanting rest.
I thought I didn't deserve kindness.
I thought I owed the world anything it asked of me, because I was useless, and I needed to pay for the space I take.
I thought if I opened up to anyone about the way I was feeling, or how I saw myself, they would run, or judge, or pity me, or who knows. I only know I didn't feel I could be honest with anyone about the level of self-hate I was feeling, or how much I couldn't stand myself.
I thought I was broken.
And the thing is...I was broken. These thoughts broke me. But even at the same time as they were swirling through my head, dragging me down, I was stubbornly telling them to shut the hell up, because I was strong. I had been through a lot already, and I could handle whatever was coming.
It's a strange place, emotionally, to hate yourself, and be your own cheerleader at the same time.
But eventually, it seemed the dark side was winning. And I couldn't let that happen.
I packed my bag in March, and took to new horizons, partially because I absolutely love to travel. It fills me with joy and hope and peace.
But the other part was to prove to myself that I could. Because pain, despair, and anger were quickly becoming permanent parts of my narrative, and I couldn't allow that to happen.
Sometimes the best way to figure out who you are, is to get away from anyone who knows you...go where there are no expectations, and see which behaviors surface and thrive. Discover who you are when there is nothing at stake. When there is no one to impress. When there is nothing to gain. Who are you in those moments?
I asked myself this question for seven months, always with new strangers. Who am I when I could be anybody?
I flirted with the idea of lying...of constructing a character to sell to people, of who I am and where I've been. Making things easier or more interesting. But what I realized quickly, is I don't want to be anyone else. What I want is to stop pretending I am.
I quickly adapted a new rule for myself...complete, open honesty...with everyone. Each question someone asked, I would give them a complete, honest answer, even if this may lead to discomfort for one or both of us. No more walls or hiding or editing the truth to make people comfortable...to make things easier...to hide emotionally from those around me. Because the truth is, there is some dark shit in my past. But those moments make me, me. Those moments have built my character. And if I hope to have a positive, solid, and uplifting relationship with myself, that starts with accepting what I've been through and who I am.
So I left Austin 7 months ago, fragile, broken, and bleeding, but with the determination to deconstruct my pain, and put myself back together.
And now I've returned. At least for a visit.
It's amazing what you can do in a few months, if you're ready, focused, and willing.
There's a line in a Mumford and Sons song I used to relate to strongly. I felt it represented my lost wanderings...searching for the place within myself where I might finally be at peace. The line is,
"You said I would find a home within the fragile substance of my soul."
But the things is, I'm not fragile anymore.
I've finally proven myself to the only one that matters.
Myself.
And the truth is, I'm fire and spit and vinegar.
I'm dirt and thorns and burns, up and down my body.
And I love my scars,
Because they tell a story of a girl
Unafraid to get hurt for the things she loves and the people she believes in.
And if the fire in my belly scares you,
That's unfortunate
But I won't damp it down
Because I'm feeding it
Feeding it
Everyday
Because I want to be consumed
By passion
By love
By kindness
And I leaned there is no happiness without suffering
So I will continue to smile wide
And open my arms to pain
Because it's only temporary
Because I did find a home in my soul
But there is nothing fragile about it.
So either come in
Or get out of my doorway
Because I've got places to be
And faces to kiss
And people to love
And not a second to waste on "what if's"
Or "could have beens".
I've got a life to live.
So there's a little bit of reflection for you... it may feel a bit disjointed, and it's not exactly the typical layout of these blogs...but it's not everyday you try to explain 7 months of learning in a few relatively cohesive paragraphs. The task is a daunting one, if I'm honest. And I don't pretend to have come anywhere near hitting the mark.
I think what I have experienced and been through and learned in my travels, is an impossible thing to describe in one blog, or several blogs, or even one blog a week, though I did try to bring you guys along on the journey to the best of my ability. I think to understand...you just have to go experience.
And I hope you all get the chance to, if you so desire!
So, moving forward...I've got a few ideas swirling around in my head for the direction I'd like my life to take at this point. Perhaps I'll end up renovating houses in Puerto Rico. Perhaps I'll get an RV and travel the US while I finish my book and work on more creative projects. Perhaps I'll end up in Mexico in an immersive language program.
Nobody knows!
And that, in and of itself, is pretty exciting.
The page is blank.
The possibilities are boundless.
The lines have been erased. Now I can color wherever I want.
For a few months, however, I'll stick around Texas and save money for my next move.
To everyone who has followed along with me this far, and for all the messages, comments, and encouragement, THANK YOU!
It's really an amazing feeling to realize that your words and actions, even when not directly connected to certain people, do have an affect. I am so grateful to all my readers.
And to everyone I met on my journey who helped open my eyes, knowingly or not, to beauty I was blind to, and who accepted me so quickly into your lives, thank you a million times. I have never been so blindly trusted and welcomed into so many families, friendships, homes, or cultures as I have on this trip.
While I'm recouping and reassessing my plans, things will probably be pretty calm on my end, so I plan to discontinue my weekly post at this point. I'll still share from time to time, and my (mis)adventures are far from over, but I think there's no point in forcing the blog. I'd like to focus my writing endeavors elsewhere for now.
So for now, stay bright eyed and hopeful.
Be the beauty in the world.
Be the good you want in other people.
Thank you, again!
Until next time! <3
 |
| Definitely missed hugging my sister <3 |
Welcome home! ❤️
ReplyDelete~XOXO~
Thank you!! 😄
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