If Home is Where the Heart is...

I had a boyfriend once who told me he felt I would never truly be his.

At the time of the comment, we had been together nearly two years and I was immediately defensive, as well as confused. I had already given him so much time...what more did he expect now for me to prove myself? But he continued talking...

"You belong to the road," he told me. "Your soul can't be still, and you are therefore unable to be claimed by any man or woman. I can never compete with the whims of your desire, so you'll never truly be mine."

I stayed defensive...hurt even...angry. I wanted to argue with him. Tell him he was wrong, he was being silly... Ask him not to play these games with me, where he says something bad and I'm supposed to jump at the chance to deny it, to console him...but I couldn't deny this one...not if I wished to stay honest.
When I say I was angry, it wasn't at him. All he had done was put into words what I had suspected in myself for years. No, I wasn't angry at him. What I was, was scared. I was scared at the honesty of this statement. At the ease and simplicity of which his words had struck the heart of truth. So easily piercing my fears. Putting them on display and forcing me to acknowledge their existence.

I belonged to the road.

I felt it in my heart to be true, but what did this truth really mean? Would I never settle down? Would I never know stability? Would I ever have a home to invite friends to, where I could cook them a meal and play the perfect host? Would I ever have a clean, inviting place to go to at the end of the day, where a caring, loving partner took joy in my return? Will I struggle from day to day, week to week, and month to month for the rest of my existence trying to understand normality? For these questions and more I was scared.

But you know what...it's been years apart from that person...I've spent my time settled. I returned home and now it's been three years at the same job, in the same city. Years in the same house with the same people, doing the same things, and going to the same places week after week, working myself silly to afford the things I think I need, and now my fears have flipped back the other direction. This is not for me. I'm not built for this. I feel my soul withering inside my body, my heart dying in my chest.

Yes, it's hard to travel all the time. It's hard to leave behind family and loved ones. But I'm not ready to settle my soul, and to hell with normality. Who needs it anyway?

It's almost time...

Oh Austin...it's been real. Turns out you're like that bad relationship we all waste time in. When we were good together, we were oh so good. I love my city. The nooks and crannies you can only find from living somewhere your whole life. The adventures we've shared. I know your streets and the hoodlums that roam them. I'm comfortable here. But maybe that's part of our issue. With the beauty and the trash, we belong to each other.

But god, when we're bad...we're so bad. You've killed so many of my friends over the years...poisoning their bodies and their minds with the tar that leaks from your city veins. You can be pure poison. But I love you, Austin, so I pretend it's not you, and I stick around. But babe...it's time for me to go. Time to move on. To try new cities. To discover that good relationship, if such a thing is out there. Don't be sad though, you'll always be my number one girl. Calling me back. Luring me home.


For all the amazing people I've met within these city limits, and for all the opportunities I've been offered, I'm incredibly grateful. I've found a community here that will never be recreated. But I wouldn't want to. You're amazing. But I stopped growing here...by circumstance...by my own choices...for many reasons, I've stopped growing, so it's time to go.


"The search for comfort dims the spark of the soul."


I love you, Austin, and all you beautiful souls within it. I'm sure we'll meet again.

It's not easy longing for something you can't define. It's not a person or a place...it's not even a feeling, but perhaps a combination in the most perfect way.

It's not easy missing people who're so far away, but who filled your heart in a single day.

It's not easy dreaming of places you've only been once, but when you're away your life falls to disarray.

Traveling brings many great adventures, but it also breeds a desire which spreads like wildfire.

I fear I'll never be happy, sitting in one place. Content to allow my days to fade away.

So here we go...for how long? Who's to say.

Adios, mis amores.